Howdy. Sorry I ain't been in touch recently, folks, but it's been as mad as free tasting day at the hooch distillery here at Birmingham City Council's communications directorate.
This month didn't get off to a good start for yours truly, head of strategy, personal adviser and best buddie to Mayor Mike Whitby.
Mayor Mike says he doesn't know who he'd most like to line up against a wall and shoot. Faceless "booryaucrats" at somehwere called the Audit Commission, or smart-arsed journalists on The Birmingham Post, which is a paper he never reads.
Mike called me into his office to show me his own special copy of the Audit Commission's corporate assessment report. He, chief executive Stephen Hughes, chief of staff James North and communications director Debra Davis had spent three days marking key words on the report.
"Wilbur, my boy," said Mayor Mike, "you'll notice we've marked all of the positive comments in green and the, erm, more challenging comments in red. What do you think?"
Well, I looked and looked, an' I know I'm just a poor ol boy from Alabama, but all I could see was a sea of red. The red sea, you might say. Sorry, just my little joke.
Then,, when my eyes were fit to busting, I saw eight words circled in green.
They read: "Council, Birmingham, city, a, good, local, is, authority."
"Don't you see, Wilbur," said Mike.
"It says: Birmingham City Council is a good local authority.
"Recognition at last. My legacy is safe."
"Absolutely, leader," said Stephen.
"Good show," said James.
"Even Pierre Trudeau at his sexiest, lovable, ymmmiest best could not have trumped such a glowing and entirely deserved assessment," said Debra.
Now, I tried pointing out that the words they'd selected may all have been good words, but not necessarily in the right order. Eight words in 35 pages don't amount to a row of beans, to my way of thinking.
"Wilbur, my funnny little bone-headed friend," said Mike. "You don't understand. These Audit Commission johnnies like to write in code. They can't just say the Regressive Partnership has cogitated and gestated to the point where it's providing the best council services anywhere in the country. Others, not to mention that place up north beginning with M and ending with R which we take no notice of and never mention, would be jealous.
"I think you'll find that this report will get us a lot of media coverage."
It sure did that but not, as Stephen put it, perhaps as positive as we had hoped.