Howdy. Now, keep this under your hat. It's gotta be treated on a need-to-know basis, as my new best buddy James North would say. I've just returned from two super-secret missions in my role as head of strategy in the communications directorate at Birmingham City Council.
First off, I had to go on the orders of council leader, Mayor Mike Whitby, to some place called Manchester where I had to "dig some dirt". It seems that this Manchester is getting too big for its boots and needs to be taken down a peg or two. Yihaa to that!
Anyways, when I got there I discovered that Manchester's train station is so under-used that they don't even have to close the gates to passengers in the rush hour. And, you ain't going to believe this, but it's all on street level.
There ain't even any escalators to take you underground to the platforms. I can safely say that Manchester's station is so old fashioned that you can even see the sky from the platforms. How strange is that?
Mayor Mike seemed kinda pleased by my research. "Wilbur Snr," he said, "you're a genius. Almost as clever as me, 'though that would be impossible. Manchester's station is half the size of New Street. That makes us the city with the biggest station. Just wait till I announce this one."
My second adventure was even more secret. I had to accompany Mayor Mike on a trip to Downing Street to meet your President Blair.
Wow, that place is so historic. All those paintings on the walls, moth-eaten carpets, just like our White House, only much smaller of course.
Anyway, me and Mayor Mike were shown into this quaint room with a huge oval table, where Mayor Mike proceeded to give none other than Tony Blair a few tips on how to run the country.
"Tony, may I call you Tony?," Mike said.
Then Mayor Mike started off on one of his long speeches, I cain't pretend to understand all the long words, but it sure sounded impressive to me. The prime minister must have thought the same 'cos the grin never left his lips.
"Tony," Mayor Mike said,"you've got to have fiscal discipline and a local heart. No, make that a global city with a local heart and fiscality. If you don't have fiscal globility and heartfelt discipline, what have you got? Nothing, that's what you haven't got.
"You should get out a bit more, if you don't mind me saying so. Look at me, I've been to China and Chicago, and New York, and India and even Cannes. The people love me for it. That's leadership for you."
Then Mike got on to the subject of New Street Station, and how we needed Government cash to build airport-style concourses an' some fancy new shops where all the folks could spend their money while they waited hours for the trains. Don't worry about extra tracks, he said, the brilliant thing about New Street is that we're introducing a whole new passenger experience. They'll be spending so much time in Starbucks, they won't even care about late trains.
Mike was still going full steam ahead, you might say, as we were being shown out, rather firmly, by a couple of nice men with shorn heads and bulges under their jackets. "So, you see Tony, empirical evidence proves the gestation period is over and we have substantiated a sophisticated relationship which is actually Conservative-Liberalism although there's plenty of room for Labour to join if you want, and......."
I don't think Mike's arm was too badly hurt as we were thrown out on to the street. I cain't say the same for my ukelele.
Anyway, my next mission is to make contact with Mayor Mike's sworn enemy, Lord Sir Albert Bore, leader of the Labor Democrats on Birmingham City Council.
I'll tell you all about it next week, if I can find Sir Bore that is.
Apparently he spends most of his time in hospital, when he's not in Brussels.
You gotta feel sorry for someone who's in hospital, but if he's that ill shouldn't he get off the council?