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John Bright: A bruised ego and hurt feelings

A blow – literally – for Birmingham businessman John James who, in an unfortunate incident in Portugal, while on one of his many holidays, was accosted in his bed by a burglar.
Smacked him over the head and stole his money – winnings on the horses at Cheltenham.

No doubt a frightening experience and Bright's sympathies are with the boy.
But, of course, the wags have already gone to work, with one funnyman alleging there is a sequel to the story.
He writes: "When JJ woke up to find banditos in his bedroom, he said to them 'you're not sex attackers, are you?' Much to JJ's disappointment, the two men looked at him and replied 'normally we are, but tonight we'll just take the money'."
And, of course, God forbid, had the worst happened and JJ had passed away as a result of the assault, it would have been deeply incongruous that he should have died with a man in his bedroom.
Definitely not in the script.
And what does the lad himself say?
"Yes, I did get a clout round the ear but it's the rejection I can't take. He hasn't written; he hasn't phoned. Its awful."

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Deer, deer, more problems for TV sports pundit Gary Newbon.
Seems that a few weeks ago former Midlands football star Don Goodman was driving down the M6 for an appearance on Newbon’s Sky show when his car gets hit by a deer.
And then just a few days later Newbon is heading along the M4 with his driver at the wheel when his motor is hit by a deer too.
A total £2,000 in damages.
Newbon claims to have been watching the latest James Bond film at the time.
One of those really sexy scenes – at which point the whole world moved for him.
Gosh, the special effects are good these days.
Still, plenty of venison on the table at Newbon Towers.

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I am taken to task by the delightful Jo Malin for announcing she had turned 40 a month before the due day.
Well, that’s pretty accurate by the standards of this column. Still, the girl seems to be positively blooming.
And after a bit of a chastening, because naturally she had received plenty of wind-up phone calls congratulating her on this milestone, I even got a kiss.
So, long may she remain to light up the screens of Central News.
And judging by the lively banter between Central’s Bob Warman and the Beeb’s Nick Owen at the Newspaper Press Fund lunch the other day they might just manage another month or so too.

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Talking about the Newspaper Press Fund – a very fine cause incidentally – I found myself on the same table as legendary radio presenter Ed Doolan.
We had both been invited by Virgin Trains.
Now neither of us is getting any younger. And, as one or two jokers noted, two less likely “virgins” were seated in the room. Yes, I can take the mickey-taking.
Indeed an excellent bit of slapstick from guest speaker Des Lynam, a man who has commented on five World Cups and seven Olympic Games.
And who could come up with one-liners like this.
“Going down the pub isn’t yet an Olympic sport, but beach volleyball is.”
Quite.

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And finally,

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, he burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my God!
"You're cooking too many at once. Too Many! Turn them! Turn them now!
"We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful. Careful! I said be careful!
"You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
"Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied: "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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