Beach wars in Birmingham? You couldn't make it up.
The race is on between the city council and the Bullring to be first to open their ludicrously styled Paris Plage-type sandpit in order to maximise the number of Chavs and unwashed who will doubtless wish to while a few hours away in deck chairs and sunloungers while sipping the odd alcopop.
The council beach in Chamberlain Square is set to open on June 25. Can the Bullring beat that? June 6, D-Day, would seem an appropriate date to storm the beaches.
Meanwhile, with the council and Bullring at odds over who thought of the idea first, the shopping centre is firmly in the sights of the local authority's image makers.
"They are Birmingham's Vatican City, with a 999-year lease and they think they can do what they want," sneered one.
First casualty of the sandstorm would appear to be the council's already fragile relationship with the Birmingham Civic Society. Stephen Hartland, the society's planning committee chairman, accused the council of displaying contempt for historic civic buildings by siting the beach in Chamberlain Square, a comment that led to Civic Society chairman Freddie Gick being summoned to the Council House.
Gick didn't quite make it into the presence of the leader, but Whitby's People made it quite clear that Hartland's comments were unacceptable. Mr Gick did not disagree, by all accounts.
Just one problem. The Civic Society planning committee, in February, recorded its concern about the "abuse" of civic squares, particularly Chamberlain Square,where a two-month Santa's Grotto was deemed an inappropriate use. Mr Gick was at the meeting.
Secondly, following Hartland's comments on the beach this week, the society's planning committee met and fully endorsed the stance taken by their chairman.
There's only one thing to be said: "We shall not flag or fail ... we shall fight on the seas and oceans ... we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds ... we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."
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An interesting change to the single status pay re-grading exercise at Birmingham City Council.
A draft copy showing the proposed salary levels for job categories covering 41,000 employees has cabinet support officers on Grade 5 – a wage band of between £29,859 and £37,476.
This has since been increased to Grade 6 – £37,476 to £46,845.
Unkind Council House gossips are suggesting that the alteration may have been made with a view to protecting the salary of James North, the ebullient chief of staff to council leader Mike Whitby. North, it will be recalled, was originally taken on as a cabinet support officer.
Not so, according to human resources director Andy Albon.
Mr Albon explained that the grading for cabinet support officers was re-examined and changed because original information about the duties of said officers was taken from too small a sample.
North, however, insists that he is no longer a cabinet support officer.
What is he, then? Unclassified, as yet, apparently.