Howdy. Sorry I ain't been in touch lately, but what with Mipim and the Broad Street Awards my head's been sorer than a nest full of hornets at the Kentucky Derby. And that ain't no exaggeration.
I sure didn't realise when I was appointed head of strategy at Birmingham City Council's communications directorate that I'd have to do so much socialising. Now, I can drink like the best of 'em, after all, I was brought up on my dear ol' daddy's blueberry and rice hooch, but this Mipim thing is something else.
Truth to tell, I don't recall too much about it. Course, I've seen the video of me an' Mayor Mike Whitby with traffic cones on our heads singing Yankee Doodle Dandy, but I sure don't know where the black boot polish came from. All part of what Mayor Mike likes to call working hard and playing hard, I suppose.
We hadn't been back from Mipim five minutes when I had to accompany Mayor Mike to the Broad Street Awards. You ain't never seen such a shin-dig. The music was a blaring, all them business folks yellin' away an' drinkin' like there was no tomorrow, an' there in the centre of it all was Mayor Mike, a picture of sober reason and calmness.
I couldn't quite remember what happened after the 15th bottle of Bud, but luckily my best pal James North filled me in afterwards and "span me a line" that I could use in this blog.
James explained how Mayor Mike spoke fluently for 40 minutes on the subject of governance of Birmingham. He was listened to most respectfully by an appreciative audience. At no time did Mike ever have to shout, 'cept when they played some hillbilly music, an' then when he'd finished speaking an' taken a few questions, he went back to his table an' sat down to tremendous applause from the entire room.
The whole thing was a complete triumph, an' anyone who says otherwise is probably sufferin' the early stages of senile dementia, or more likely was born insane.
I'll be telling you more over the next few weeks about the new top-secret project I'm involved in. Mayor Mike and Debra Davis, the Canadian Queen of Spin, have put me in charge of the scissors. It's my job to cut out every article in every newspaper mentioning Birmingham City Council and, 'specially, to monitor every picture of Mayor Mike.
I was in Debbie's office the other day, along with Mayor Mike and James North, an' all you could see across the floor was a mountain of newspaper cuttings. In one corner, was a pile touching the ceiling. This was the "red zone", of what James called "less than helpful stories, frankly". In the other corner, there was a box containing three cuttings, the "blue zone" of good-news stories.
And on the Queen of Spin's table, two trays containing pictures published in the newspapers.
One tray, which looked pretty full to my way of thinking, contained what Mayor Mike referred to as "damning evidence".
Waving a picture in his hand, Mayor Mike said: "Wilbur, this is treachery. Deliberate mis-use of power by the 4th estate. You can see what they've done. Deliberately chosen pictures to make me look a puffy-eyed, wind-swept, power-crazed bufoon."
Well, we calmed him down eventually after Debbie got out her cuttings file from the council's Forward newspaper. And, sure enough, miraculously, every page had a picture of a beaming and incredibly young-looking Mayor Mike.
Course, I don't think I was supposed to ask how long ago the picture was taken. Me an' my big mouth.
Got to go now, there's another drinks reception coming on. Speak to you'all real soon.