Birmingham Post

Then there is the terribly exciting bit – voting. For the half-wits who do not know the difference between the date of their birth and today's date this could prove problematic.
Form Ts24707, the step-by-step guide that accompanies the postal vote bumf, shows voters how to draw an X in the box next to their chosen candidate. Curiously, the logo of a hand and a pen (helpfully suggesting how one should complete an X mark) is next to Candidate D.
In my own ward, Candidate D happens to be Labour. Is form Ts24707 sending out a subliminal message to voters? Is it just a coincidence? I fear a protracted legal challenge could be imminent.
And so, who to vote for.
Here, I must make a confession. Ever since I became entitled to vote, I have voted for the same political party. In voting terms, I am a lifelong Such-and-Such supporter. It is not something I am proud of but Such-and-Such always seemed preferable to So-and-So.
By now you may have twigged I am not a Lib Dem supporter and frankly I see no reason why I should be. Their local candidate has yet to put any campaign literature through my letterbox. They didn't bother last time either, probably being otherwise engaged drinking Bovril and playing Ker Plunk. I have long since given up on the Lib Dems and they appear to have given up on me.
The rest of the candidates in my south Birmingham ward include the Conservatives, Labour, Green and BNP. I thought the latter only stood in former mill towns and coastal resorts in the South East and am grateful the party has a candidate standing only because it helps to whittle my choice down to Tory, Labour and Green.
As I got ready to cast my vote I asked myself which party would be most likely to represent my interests. I made a list of some of my chief concerns to clarify this complex process.
These, in no particular order, were some of the matters that sprung to mind and which, no doubt, trouble many suburban voters: people parking outside my house, people spitting in public, over-zealous use of police sirens, over-familiar local TV presenters, dog poo, gobby schoolchildren, tracksuit leisurewear, street litter, doorstep salesmen (including charity collectors), my wireless internet connection, poor diction.
The list was by no means exhaustive but it allowed me to conclude fairly swiftly that neither the Tories, Labour or the Greens could do a lot about the big issues troubling me.
And here's another confession. At the previous local elections, I faced exactly the same dilemma and consequently, for the first time since I became eligible, didn't vote. Naturally I felt I had reneged on my civic responsibility and vowed to re-connect with democracy at the earliest opportunity.
My shame and the hoo-ha over postal vote fraud inspired me to make my views count at the ballot box once more. I considered trying to flog my vote on the Hagley Road but concluded this was a bad idea as it was (a) illegal, and (b) wouldn't command a very high price.
So I cast my vote. And here's the real bombshell: it wasn't for Such-and-Such.
I predict shockwaves bigger than the Kent earthquake across the nation's political landscape on Thursday.