My spies at the recent opening of the Town Hall have been moaning to me about the usual Birmingham City Council own goal.
You might think that with M&B headquartered in the city it would be a good idea to have a Midland brand of booze on sale.
But, apparently, the only beer you could get on the night was London Pride in bottles.
What about some Birmingham pride?
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I hear former Midlands businessman and Moseley rugby supporter Brian Trengrove is still in the food trade.
Brian, who used to run a sandwich business, apparently has an interest in a Chinese restaurant in Cockermouth called the Spice Club.
Cockermouth? I thought that was a music hall joke.
Seems a little odd to travel so far when Birmingham is full of Chinese restaurants.
Still, good to see Brian bringing a little 'spice' into the dull life of these weather-beaten Cumbrian folk.
And, no doubt, with all those sheep in the fells, they do a nice line in lamb dishes.
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NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a rise either.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a rise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in loos. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get five minutes, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management.